Thursday, July 23, 2015

Clowns on the bus: Walkermania edition

Competing bios of our probable next president, Scott Walker*, from reputable sources:
Birthplace: Tea Party comment thread
Greatest Strength: Possesses image and political credentials necessary to appeal to both Koch brothers
Personal Beliefs: Reasonably well-concealed
Labor Union: Longtime member of Local Elected Officials 438
Personal Hero: Sixth-grade teacher who inspired him to strip educators of collective bargaining rights and dismantle publicly funded higher education
Greatest Accomplishment: Stood up to people who make living pulling others from burning buildings
House Band: The Walkettes
Gubernatorial Record: First governor in history to raise enough out-of-state funding to overcome recall challenge from own constituents
Chief Political Rival: Those who want to make a living wage
 Who? Union-busting hot ham enthusiast
Strength: Is married to woman named “Tonette,” which makes him and his wife the couple with the most Wisconsin names in US History.
Weakness: His record as governor of Wisconsin; he is also physically unable to move the top half of his face while speaking which makes him come across like a lying potato.

While in high school, Scott was selected to attend the American Legion’s Badger Boys State program and went on to be one of two representatives from Wisconsin to go to Boys Nation in Washington, D.C. Both of these programs teach young men about the virtues of the American form of government and the protection of freedom. The experience opened Scott’s eyes to public service.
In 1986, Scott moved to Milwaukee to attend Marquette University. While still in school, he worked for IBM before leaving school in his senior year to work full-time in development for the American Red Cross.
 Scott was elected to the State Assembly in 1993. While there, he chaired a number of committees, authored Wisconsin's Truth-in-Sentencing law, and voted to enact a billion dollars in property tax relief.
In 2002, Scott was elected Milwaukee County Executive on a platform of reforming the scandal-ridden county government that had left taxpayers on the hook for millions in pension obligations.
For eight years as County Executive, Scott kept his promise to spend taxpayer money as if it were his own. Not only did he author nine consecutive budgets holding the line on the property tax levy year after year, and reduce the county government workforce by 20%, but he also gave back over $375,000 of his own salary back to the taxpayers.
 On January 3, 2011, Scott Walker was inaugurated as Wisconsin’s 45th Governor.
Guess which two are the parodies?

*Sorry Crispin. I know your money is on Marco Rubio taking it all in 2016, but in my book, Walker best represents the core Republican voter: forty-something white guy, some college but no degree, a series of public sector jobs, and a wife and kids who might well vote for someone else.

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